why do we hold on to bad relationships
I used to wonder how youбlet go of the things that are killing you, when it feels like it would kill you to let go. How you decide between if things are meant to be, they will be and if you want it, you have to go get it. I think we hold on tightest to the things that aren t meant for us because at some level, we know they aren t really ours. We re always seeking the love we know we don t have. We re always trying to prove the things that are notбentirely self-evident. We know that when we stop thinking and talking and racking through the details again and again, it will really be over. When all that exists is an idea, holding on is the only way to keep it. Because letting go has little to do with giving somebody permission to leave our lives, or declare that they don t love us anymore, or walk away for good, and everything to do with accepting that they already have. I don t know about fate.
ButбI do know theбthings that are ours don t require us to mentally and emotionally latch onto them to remain. That the best things are never forced, are never created out of ultimatum, never leave us reeling and questioning them for months or years at a time. I do know that you cannotбproveбhow much youбlove by how much you re pained over loss. That you do not prove your character by how well you can convince other people you re doing the right thing. And I do know that it s never the love that hurts you, it s the attachment to the
idea of what it s supposed to be and how long it s supposed to be it for. I do know that we will never be able to find real love unless we learn to detach from what it should be. I do know that we re never going to find true happiness until we do the same. I do know that nothing here lasts, and the idea that it does is an illusion Б we eventually lose everything, every last thing we have and are and own.
So the point isn t what we lose, but what we had in the first place. We aren t meant to attain things like bullet points on a resume, we re supposed to go through them and let them go through us. Some love teaches us what it has to teach us in a month. Some a lifetime. Neither is more important than the other. The things that are meant for us are the things thatб force us to stop seeking an external light, but to start becoming it. The things that are meant for us are trying and joyous and beautiful and excruciating. They re the things we don t think about. The things we don t have to hold on tightly to make happen. The human element is always hungry for knowledge, for wisdom, for truth. You will find it, no matter how spiritual or unspiritual you are. You just have to trust a little. But you can do that.
ItБs within you to be able to do that. It always has been. Discover it. As I have gotten older, it's become necessary for me to understand and accept that in life people come and go. I have always had a tremendous fear of loss, which had me holding on to friendships and relationships for dear life long after they had anything good to offer me. In the past, I have spent a great deal of my time wondering why a relationship or friendship has fizzled instead of accepting it for what it was and moving on. This realization came to me recently when a person I had considered a friend -- even though we had grown apart -- attacked me for not responding to an invitation. The truth is, I felt terrible about not responding but it was really nothing more than the fact that my life had gotten very unexpectedly busy and I was dealing with a lot. My intension was never to offend, insult or make anyone feel bad however.
I was told that I was a terrible person and that our friendship was 'fake'. My view on these comments ranges from hurtful, to angry to truly feeling sorry for the person on the other end of the spectrum. I can say with the utmost of confidence that at the age of 38, I have no fake friendships in my life. Any person I choose to spend my time with is truly because I WANT to spend time with that person however. like I said above, people change, circumstances change and sometimes. people simply grow apart. It took me a few days to get over the comments made by this person that I really considered a friend at one point in time but more importantly, it made me start to ask some questions. It forced me to question my judgment in the people I was choosing to be around and made me wonder how another can possibly think they have any right to question me, and my life decisions in such a way.
It forced me to look deeper and question if I was really being true to myself. In my -- very strong -- opinion, a true friend respects you, your time and your decisions. A true friend would have simply said; "hey. you didn't respond? Everything okay? " Looking back at this particular friendship, there were several red flags that I should have paid attention to but I continued to turn a blind eye to them -- hence my fear of loss. I continued to make excuses for this person instead of being truthful to myself and to my gut instinct. A friendship should be easy. It should never be demanding nor should it come with rules and expectations. It should consist of a mutual respect and understanding of each person's beliefs, values and decisions and in my opinion, the very moment any one of these cease to exist. so should the friendship.
- Autor: EricaSchreffler
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